Sometimes, I have the impression that if I didn’t feel emotions as intensely as I do, I would be totally cut off from my humaneness.
I would be either completely numb and indifferent to the world. Or, I would be ready to burn it to the ground and watch it go to ruin. Just so I can unleash all the rage I feel inside me.
I would destroy others the moment they try to hurt me. Without any regrets nor conscience. And I would take pleasure in watching them crumble before me.
I can easily imagine it in my mind.
That thought is scary…
It is the very reason my own anger scares me. This is why I always try to have a reign on it and not let it take over. It isn’t an easy task as I have decades of anger inside me.
My anger is similar to thunder. Unpredicable, it can strike its target at any given moment. Powerful, it strikes with great force creating destruction and fire. And those who survive, have to live with the scar for the rest of their lives.
I don’t like feeling like I have an evil twin ready to come out and unleash chaos and destruction out of boredom. I would love to be peaceful, serene and more hopeful about life.
But, that’s the thing about hope : it breeds eternal misery.
After all, how many times have I hoped for something to happen in my life, only for this very thing to be out of reach ?
I hoped for many things :
- a close loving supportive family
- true connections with people
- to be accepted, wanted, and loved as I am
- a safe home
Did I have these ? No.
I grew up in a chaotic and unsafe environment. At 12, I already wished I could get out from my mother’s roof.
I was often compared to others so I could take exemples of how to be and to behave. So I always thought something was wrong with me.
Which pushed me into the habit of adapting my behavior depending of who I was spending time with. I thought I needed to be perfect in order to be accepted, in order to get what I want.
My family has been critisizing me so much. I don’t remember the few compliments I got throughout my life ever coming from any of them.
No wonder I have a hard time finding a good thing to say about myself. No wonder I have so much anger and resentment simmering inside me.
And these emotions that are ready to explode don’t do anything to improve my self-image.
The desire to immediately hurt the people who trigger me is frightening.
It’s like I have a monster hiding deep within myself, but ready and eager to come out and eat the offenders alive.
Most times, it makes me feel like I am a horrible human being. Other times,…
I want to relish it and release this monster to come and play…
