There’s something particularly tragic about trying to fit in a place or a group that’s not for you.
As any human being, you want to belong. So of course, you make yourself be as likable as you can.
You might want to choose a career that’s traditionally revered and respected by society. You might adapt your personality so you might seem bubbly and charming. You might try (and/or force) yourself to like the same things that the others like.
You make all the efforts necessary to be accepted. Not realizing that you’re slowly killing yourself, your unique essence, your light.
Don’t you see how you’re building a mask ?
We all have parts of ourselves that we don’t show to just anyone. But there’s a difference between keeping a secret garden and playing a role 24/7.
In the 1st case, you’re being selective to who you’re sharing sensitive parts of your life with. In the 2nd case, you’re constantly presenting a false self to others to the point of losing sight of who you really are.
I did this. From a young age. Constantly and for years.
It was so natural for me.
How I listened and observed the people in my life. How I would retain information about their interests, their passions, their likes and dislikes. How I would convince myself that I liked those too, that I and them have a lot in common and therefore surely we could and would become close.
I was a true chameleon.
I feel some uneasiness and disgust writing this. And compassion too. For my younger self.
Because I know and understand why she acted like this.
Still, I was dying. My light was dying.
If I didn’t know that the soul is immortal, I would’ve thought that mine was disappearing.
I reached my early 30s realizing that I don’t know myself at all. How scary is that ! I looked in the mirror and only saw a stranger.
I had a wakeup call.
My own body sounded the alarm. Telling me that I’m reaching my limit, that changes must be made if I want to be truly happy. If I want to truly be alive, to finally be myself.
What did I do ?
I let go.
I let go of the job that was slowly killing my spirit. I let go of the plans and dreams that I falsely convinced myself were my own. I let go of the relationships that were built on weak foundations and were too shallow (family members included).
I let go and started over. By really looking in the mirror and getting to know the stranger staring at me.
No more mask.
No more hiding.
Just me.
